It used to be that equipping the teachers meant securing an adequate supply of chalk and textbooks. Then equipping the teachers expanded to include computers and regular software updates. The calamity at Sandy Hook has made it clear that it is time to take the next step in teacher preparation: the provision of semi-automatic weapons.
The facts speak for themselves. The United States has three hundred million guns. That’s almost one gun per citizen. Or, if you prefer, three hundred guns for every hybrid Honda sold since 1999. (Or, if you prefer, thirty guns for every copy of Van Halen I that has been sold since 1978.) However you count it, that’s a lot of guns.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, at any given time 26.2 percent of Americans are suffering from a mental illness. While most of those suffering are peaceable individuals who pose no threat to the nation’s schools, that still leaves millions of people suffering with maladies that could lead to violent behavior including Schizophrenia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. By my estimation, approximately 25,000,000 of those who are mentally ill pose a proximate risk of violence.
In addition, there are approximately 2,000,000 parolees from prison who represent a heightened risk. And there are also approximately 10,000,000 people who are just evil jerks.
In order to do a probability calculation for the threat of gun violence to the nation’s schools posed by these people we add up all the potential threats (potentially violent mentally ill + parolees + evil jerks), and multiply them by the number of guns in the nation.
This results in a number of 111,000,000,000,000,000 or thereabouts. And that’s a really big number. In fact, it’s positively ginormous. Any number beyond large poses an imminent threat to the safety of our children. Needless to say, ginormous is large × huge × vast.
Since it is not practical to build all schools like Fort Knox with armed guards stationed at regular intervals along the parapet, there really is only one other practical solution: arm the nation’s teachers with semi-automatic weapons as soon as possible. The barbarians are at the gates (or, if you prefer, the bike racks). And what better way to meet violence but with more violence?
Imagine the comfort you’ll feel knowing that as old Mrs. Brown reads The Cat in the Hat during story hour she has an M-16 resting on her knee, ever ready to spray the rear end of the classroom with bullets should anyone be foolish enough to enter without knocking.
Just as one must fight fire with fire, so one must fights guns with more guns.
Perhaps some of you peaceniks think this is an extreme idea. Well the fact is that I’m far from alone. Even some politicians are finally seeing the light of reason. For example, State Rep. Dennis Richardson of Oregon has come out in favor of teachers carrying guns into the classroom. Now there’s a brave politician who sees things for what they are. After all, what else do the peaceniks think a kindergarten teacher should bring to class? A hunting knife? A crossbow? Please, let’s not be ridiculous folks. It is time for the ABCs to start with “Assault rifle”.